The process of separation is very very long and painful. It has been almost a year now in my case. And things are slowly moving forward. Apartment that once was our common home is for sale now. I look at the pictures and all the things were bought, used, enjoyed by and for our family. This place was supposed to be a new beginning, the new clean page in our family’s life. We had dreams … to remove the wall to make an extra bedroom, make our own furniture. But in a month or two it was evident that our new beginning was turning into the beginning of the end. The apartment was the first and the only shared property. It raised many issues we tried to avoid or wanted to neglect. It accelerated at the separation process. Well, I guess I should be thankful that it happened earlier than later. I just feel so empty. I want to protect my kids but how? What would have happened if I stayed with him? I am free and happy in my own way, but what about my kids? Was separation a selfish decision? I didn’t want to hurt anyone. I wish all the possible best for my kids, but at the moment I am hurting them. My children are my happiness. But often they become a constant reminder of my mistake. A mistake that both started this family and destroyed it. Do not be surprised if your children behave with you exactly the same way your ex behaved. You can recognize his eyes, fingers, nails’ shape, character features and facial expressions. Because your children are only half yours, this painful connection will never end. It is probably stronger than any other connections you have had in your life. Your ex might be living close to you and you are constantly dealing with him about children care. It is even harder if he abused you and you are scared of him and men in general and the only thing you want is to take an eraser and erase him from your life. Unfortunately, that’s impossible…

I have read somewhere that separation is similar to death of a spouse. I guess that’s true… the person I once loved does not exist anymore. I need to take my time and mourn the loss. It takes one year to live through all of the seasons, birthdays and holidays. We must find new ways to celebrate Christmas, Easter and kids’ birthdays. All wounds heal sooner or later, the scars stay forever.

Author: Ingrid Heima

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